Contenders Ready?

Ok, so first I have to apologize for flaking on Flashback Friday. I was a little busy fighting a losing battle against nausea (read: I was puking). And then on Saturday James and I got a little swept up in saving the universe. Yep, we beat Super Mario Galaxy! It was dang fun too.

But now I'd like to get to the point. And the point is, the highest-rated 90s show (in the category of muscle and spandex content) has returned! It's time for American Gladiators folks. And just when you thought you were safe from stupid posts about stupid reality shows. Speaking of, check out the newest cast of Survivor Fans vs. Favorites here.

I have to admit that I loved American Gladiators in the 90s so of course I had to watch the new AG tonight. And I'll probably watch the episode tomorrow as well. I guess you could call me nostalgic. It's strange how even though the show has maintained many of the cheesy, um, I mean, "endearing" elements from 15 years ago, I just don't like it as much. I have yet to decide whether or not I will learn to like it.

For one, the original AG was a reality show before that genre even existed. Now every Ronny reality TV "star" thinks they are verbose and should be able to say whatever they want as long as there is a mic nearby. So instead of the contestants sticking with the tried and true "Whoo! Yeah! This is awesome!" they usually lapse into some speech about how this totally pertains to their day job (which it doesn't) and then they actually proceed to TAUNT the gladiators. Not smart. So now we not only assume these people are blithering idiots for wanting to be pummeled by body builders, but they've pretty much left no doubt in our minds by opening their big yappers.

Now, the gladiators. Oh the gladiators. First I have to give a shout out to "Titan" for looking exactly like the original gladiators - both male and female. His frosted, feathered-yet-gelled hair, and that little tank that is both too high-cut and too low-cut at the same time makes me laugh each time I see him. I don't know how the contenders can take him seriously. And then there's "Siren" which I don't have a problem with except I vividly remember the original "Siren" - she was the deaf one - and shouldn't somebody have thought of a new name (I'm on the fence with "Venom," can anyone confirm a previous AG with that moniker?) "Mayhem" absolutely scares me. He really is creepy. Like a voodoo shrunken head, but only bigger. Does that make any sense? Is anyone still reading this? OK, and I have to mention "Toa" who I thought was going to be a rip-off Maori warrior, but really delivered and did the whole Haka thing dead-on (as far as I am aware). I'd say my favorite new addition is "Wolf" although I don't think actual wolves would wear that much makeup. As a whole, the gladiators suffer from the same malady as the contestants when it come to thoughts uttered and come off a little more viscous than their predecessors. Maybe this has something to do with the events themselves, though.

The events. This is my main problem with the new incarnation. The arena is really dark and seems so much smaller than it used to be. Of course the world in general seemed larger to me in the 90s so my judgment might be a bit clouded. A lot of the old events are back, but it just doesn't seem like they function as well. The gladiators don't have any rules and seem to be more on the offensive (tackling people, throwing them off an apparatus) than is necessary. Has anyone told them that they don't get anything if these guys lose the event? Also, Hang Tough seems much, much smaller, though wider (for what purpose I have no idea). I've always been extremely envious of anyone who can work their magic on so many hanging rings. The Eliminator seems too tough in some spots, a walk in the park at times (like a 3-foot wide "balance beam") and just bizarre in between (there is a "barrel roll" where contestants cling to a giant spool and hurl themselves down a ramp). And the whole thing seems very thrown together and claustrophobic, but again I refer to the lighting problems.

Ok, so I said that it was the events, but then I remembered the thing that REALLY bugs me about the new version. It can all be wrapped up by two little words: "are the." In the old AG, the ref would shout "Contestants Ready? Gladiators ready? 3,2,1." And then blow the whistle. I don't know who the new ref thinks he is, but he wanted more lines so he added "Are the" to his repertoire. And using complete sentences just seems a little too high-brow for a show where spandex gets top billing. And instead of just nodding or grunting, contestants and gladiators alike have begun to respond verbally.

So I guess my main problem all boils down to semantics, in that people are talking when they really should just be bashing each other around. Oh, and did I mention Hulk Hogan is the host? How did I type all this without including him? Oh yes, because his performance was just that memorable. I guess it will have to do until February 7 - that's only 1 month away!